If I could touch the sky right now…

The other day, I was visiting my university housing website to see what was for dinner when I came across a “Help Wanted” link. I clicked it and started scrolling through the posts, curious if there was anything interesting. About halfway through the IT listings, I stopped. “What am I doing? I like my job.” Then, “Wait, since when did I like my job?”

I do, I like my job (I do web development for my uni’s College of Engineering). It has its days, but as a whole, I enjoy it. I used to feel absolutely miserable when I was there. I don’t know what changed, but I’m happy about it. 🙂 Maybe my depression is settling down! Or maybe having a crush on a boy (shhh, haha) is just making me all-around happier. Maybe that’s what’s helping my depression!

Crushonboyplexine, the new, super-effective anti-depressant.

I’ve never taken anti-depressants, but I used to go to therapy for depression (I stopped when I had issues with my insurance). Georgina taking them has made me wonder whether I should be on them too. I really do think I’m improving, or at least that my depression is in somewhat of a state of remission (meaning it could come back; chemical imbalances don’t go away just like that), but I think they would have been beneficial for me in the past.

I say I’m better, but that doesn’t mean everything is completely gone. Just last week I tried to cut myself in the bathroom with a pencil. (That went well. xD)

This is the email I sent Georgina that day:

Basically I hate myself and I want to die.

Thank God for supportive friends. That, and naps. Naps are amazing. Sometimes when I’m feeling upset I just lie down, forget the world for a few hours, and when I wake up it’s like I’m a whole new person.

I wonder if that’s entirely healthy. 😛

I’m not really sure why I’m writing about this, to be honest. My depression isn’t usually something I share with the world. My feelings aren’t even something I usually share with the world, unless they’re happy ones. Maybe being more open about it is somehow a sign of improvement, too. I really don’t know, yo.

I should head off to sleep. I want to get up early and put in an eight-hour day at work tomorrow, since classes are over for the semester (just two more exams to go!) and they’re turning the power off in my dorm starting at 8am, anyway. (They have to fix something that malfunctioned on Monday and caused a whole bunch of buildings to lose power.) Actually wanting to go to work for eight hours in a day… wow. :’)

(So many parentheticals.)

7 thoughts on “If I could touch the sky right now…

  1. Back in high school, my parents said that having a crush on a boy made me happier. I have no idea why, but it probably helps a bit.

    I just finished a short course in abnormal psychology, and maybe antidepressants would have been good for you. My textbook cited problems with insurance as a large cause for people not getting enough help during depression. But at least you’re better, and at least you’ve got people who love you. I’m sure that you’ll be fine!

    Naps are indeed amazing. They are tasty.

  2. Well, I’m sure your having a crush helps a lot. Thinking about/seeing him probably releases endorphins that give you a feeling of happiness, much like they say eating chocolate does. So, keep on crushing! 😛

    If you can, I don’t think it’ll hurt to talk to a doctor and see if he/she can put you on antidepressants just to see if that’ll make you feel so much better. But, yeah, insurance sucks. I hate how unbalanced it is. I’m definitely one of those people who wishes that everyone had access to a good one, even a free one, like most developed countries do.

  3. Thank you. 🙂 I’ve had a look around my first university choice a few times now and it feels like the perfect place for me to study. Yep, a conditional offer means that as long as I get 2 C’s and a B I can study there.

    I think that sometimes it is good to express your feelings, particularly with someone close to you. I always feel so much better when I talk to my boyfriend about all the things that are playing on my mind.

    I’m sorry to hear you tried to cut yourself but it’s great that you have really supportive friends who can help you to feel better.

  4. That sounds like a fun job! I’ve never had a job before (because I’m only fifteen), so I don’t know what it’s like having a job….. but I would imagine that there’d be good and bad days to /every/ job.

    I’m glad your depression is getting better! 😀 I have depression too, but mine’s probably getting worse instead of better… anyways, I used to take an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication, but neither of them worked very well. I’m sure it’s different for everyone though, obviously. I take two anti-psychotics now which seem to work really well. Therapy helps a lot though, too. It’s nice to have someone to talk to who really cares. I’m usually a feeling-sharer (I don’t hide my depression or various anxiety disorders or whatever), so maybe that’s why I like talking to my psychiatrist.

    Sleeping is definitely really therapeutic. Recently I’ve been printing out sad Tumblr pictures and taping them to a collage, which actually makes me feel a lot better.

  5. You like your job! I like mine too. 😀 I kinda wouldn’t trade it for anything else. I mean, you know how happy I am with mine. But even when I had just my education centre one, I was thinking about how lucky I was not to be stuck working on KFC or in some field I totally hated.

    Crushonboyplexine! I think medication would have helped me out before but I think it’s really helping for me now. I know medication isn’t the best option ever, and depression often comes in highs and lows. I hope you don’t fall into a sad pit again. 🙁 I can’t wait until you start a TRTO and we can make sure we’re on the road to some happier days.

    Since I got WordPress or since I started blogging on Heartdrops… I was really not very open about my negative feelings, or I was extremely vague about it. I used to blog really openly on my MSN Spaces and they were full of… depression, I guess, because that’s what it was at the time. But sometimes it helps to let it out and reflect on recent days gone by even if they haven’t been so great.

    *hugs* Keep smiling!!

  6. It’s good to express your feelings, it doesn’t matter how you do it, as long as you often share your feelings. Talking with others or writing things down really helps. And of course, sleeping helps you. 😉

    Lots of hugs!!! *hugg*

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *